Archangels As Drag Queens (Gabriel, Lucifer & Michael)
by Nr1NickiferTrash
Summary: Where Gabriel convinces Michael & Lucifer to join him by dressing up in drag and where Nick is having the time of his life.


_Why did I agree to do this_ , Lucifer mentally told himself, feeling utterly miserable about his current position. Setting his glare on Gabriel, whom it seemed to move too often those days, he scowled at how comfortable the other seemed to be at wearing a long golden dress and even high heels.

How he hasn't fallen over yet and killed himself in those shoes of death was beyond Lucifer's understanding.

He himself had taken one look at the sparkling heels presented to him and he had flat out refused them. No way was he going to walk around in heels. He liked his shoes flat and easy to walk in.

"Lucifer... why are we here?" Michael asked from next to him, sounding just as miserable as Lucifer himself felt. Lucifer had no idea how Michael got out of the Cage - Michael himself didn't even seem to know either - or how Gabriel convinced him to do this for that matter, but here he was.

Heaven's Holy Prince and the Viceroy of God... dresses up in drag and looking even more confused than Castiel.

"Gabriel," was all Lucifer said, his glare never leaving a certain gold-winged Archangel.

"Come on dear, hold up your arms some more," a female mud monkey he couldn't bother remembering the name of told him. Scowl deepening, Lucifer complied and let the woman work on the pink dress they were putting him in. His fingers were twitching to smite everyone in this building - screw that, this whole damned town - but he had made a promise to Gabriel.

 _Do not kill or torture anyone. Just have some fun_.

How he could have fun by dressing himself up as a woman, Lucifer did not know. Gabriel's mind worked in strange ways, always had and always will.

The only positive thing Lucifer could think of was the fact that Michael appeared to be here against his will as well. At least he did not have to suffer alone.

A deep laugh sounded from within his head and Lucifer's scowl deepened even more. _Shut up, Nick! It's your fault that we're stuck here in the first place_ , he mentally snapped at his vessel.

 _I'm only the annoying voice in your head who judges your every decision_ , Nick hummed, greatly amuses by the situation they were in, _it's only you who will be embarrassed. Me? I will grab a big bowl of caramel popcorn and enjoy the show I'm about to get_.

Lucifer wisely chooses not to reply to that comment. Something which seemed to amuse Nick even more.

"Put that scowl off your pretty face. I cannot do your makeup like that," dress-woman asked, hands on her hips as she glared at the Devil.

Lucifer gave her a horrified look. "Make-up?" He repeated after her, feeling stupefied.

"Yes, make-up. It's part of the show," she clicked her tongue, "it's like this is your first time."

Both Michael and Nick snickered at that. Lucifer wasn't sure it would be a smart idea to tell her it actually _was_ his first time doing this.

 _I've done this before. Want some tips from the pro_? Nick teased him.

 _I'm not sure I want to take advice from_ _you_ , Lucifer replied. First, the pornographic videos he had starred in - which got them in this mess in the first place - and now Lucifer learned he had dressed up in drag before? He was almost terrified to learn what else Nick had done before they met.

He was aware of Nick shrugging. _Your loss_.

During his mental conversation with Nick, dress-woman had managed to push the brushes and whatnot in his face to actually put make-up on him. Lucifer was strongly convinced that this tiny Latina woman was the greatest evil in all of existence.

After a while, the evil lady stepped back to admire her work. "Ah, look how pretty you are. That wig completely finishes it."

 _A wig_?!

It seemed like she has managed to put a wig on his head without his own knowledge. Lucifer was a full hundred percent sure of it now... this woman was the greatest evil of them all.

 _You should pay more attention to your surroundings the next time. It might save your life one day_ , Nick piped up again. Lucifer ignored his vessel, which prompted a loud scoff from the human male.

"Now, do you see that curtain?" Evil incarnation asked him, pointing somewhere behind her. Lucifer saw the curtain, so he nodded. "Go over there and wait for your brothers to be done. Then you can get on stage together." Lucifer would rather not get on stage _with_ Gabriel, but he did not seem to have a say in the matter, so he just helplessly nodded his head again and went over towards the curtain where he waited.

It didn't take long for him to be joined by Michael. "Hey, why don't you wear a ridiculous wig?!" He complained.

 _Of course that's the first thing you noticed, you big ball of fluff_! Nick laughed. _Not the high heels, not the extremely tight dress, but nope. The fact he has no wig_.

"Something about how I looked prettier without," Michael replied without missing a beat, tilting his head with a slight frown, "do I look prettier with short hair?"

Lucifer stared at him blankly. "... sure."

Both turned to look at Gabriel, who seemed to be getting his fingernails painted as somebody else adjusted the wig on his head.

At least Lucifer's wasn't the only one wearing a wig now.

"Do you also think he looks way too comfortable or is it just me?" Michael asked out of nowhere.

"It's not just you. I thought about it before as well," Lucifer muttered as the two of them stood awkwardly shoulder by shoulder.

 _He has definitely done this before_ , Nick added his part.

Then they fell silent again until Gabriel finally joined them. The younger Archangel went up to them, walking on his shoes of death with ease, and a certain shake to his hips. "Ready to get the show started, ladies?" Gabriel asked in great amusement.

"No," Michael groaned in despair.

"Leave me alone," Lucifer whined sadly.

 _I was born ready_! Nick yelled with a goofy grin, leaning back within Lucifer's mind with a bowl of caramel popcorn. _This is going to be great_.

"Okay," Gabriel clapped his hands together, his bracelets clinging together, "great to hear! Let's get on stage!" He seemed to think about something and added, almost like an afterthought, "By the way, Lucifer. I made sure that a certain someone would be in the audience."

Lucifer would be lying if he said Gabriel's wicked grin and words didn't scare him even a tiny bit. Nick, on the other hand, sat more upright, wringing his hands together.

 _You traitor_! Lucifer mentally complained. _You're supposed to be on my side, not his_!

 _You're the one who's controlling our body all the time... I need something to amuse myself with_ , Nick innocently shrugged.

Before he knew it really, Gabriel had pushed him and Michael on a stage. Cheering erupted around them and blinding spotlights shone down on the Archangels. Michael and Lucifer both froze, now just realizing the scope of what they were exactly doing. This was on television. Live for the whole world to see. They shared a horrified look as Gabriel skipped past them, having the time of his life.

"Greetings, ladies and gentlemen!" Gabriel called out. "Welcome to our show. We hope you'll have a great time." More cheering erupted from the mud monkeys.

Lucifer's gaze scanned the crowd, not seeing anything interesting until he - upon his greatest horrors made a reality - saw Sam and Dean in the crowd, right in front of the stage, with Castiel and a teenager next to them, all of them looking just as horrified upon seeing the Archangels in drag as Lucifer felt humiliated at being seen by _them_ looking like this. _This dick knew all along_ , he fumed. Gabriel was definitely going to pay for this.

 _Of course he knew_ , Nick called out, _they were perhaps this 'certain someone' Gabriel mentioned earlier_.

That was when Lucifer took a closer look at the teenager who was with the Winchester's and their pet angel. Sensing the familiar power coming of the child, he immediately knew who it was.

 _Jack_.

Nick completely lost it when realization settled in. _Wow, Lucifer_ , his vessel laughed, almost in tears, _I'm pretty sure that from all the countless scenarios you've thought up of meeting your son for the first time... it was never like this_!

 _Shut up, you stupid human_.

 _No, you shut up, you cloud hopping wing-flapper_.


End file.
